I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
