I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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