have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
