Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
