Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
then he tried to convert me to islam
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
