Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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