I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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