Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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