I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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