so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
