Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
