Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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