Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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