No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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