I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
