dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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