when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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