if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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