i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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