I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
