i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
why does every cop we meet know your name?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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