I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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