woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
