I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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