Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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