He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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