They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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