I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
