i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
