if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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