The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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