I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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