When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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