I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
