She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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