A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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