No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
