a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
