I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
