I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
