dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
