They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
