What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
