walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
