You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
