I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
