Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
