You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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