Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
