I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
