I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
