i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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