I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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