What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
