I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
