he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
