I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
